


Come on, baby , just say maybe

by fangirlishpostss



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bottom castaspella, F/F, Friends With Benefits, are we even surprised
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:09:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25881871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlishpostss/pseuds/fangirlishpostss
Summary: Casta and Shadow Weaver are reunited 6 years after their break up. What happens when sexual tension rises and with it maybe some old feeling too?"She won't let her play her mind games , she won't fall for a few nice words. She's not stupid..."
Relationships: Castaspella & Glimmer (She-Ra), Castaspella & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Castaspella/Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Glimmer & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)
Comments: 62
Kudos: 103





	1. What were these feelings

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by this story (I miss you, I'm sorry by indiscreetlove)https://archiveofourown.org/works/24615031/chapters/59465155 to write some modern au about Casta and Shadow Weaver. I don't think I'm a very good writer but i hope someone enjoys this.

Castaspella is a type of person who loves reunions , to be more precise , she enjoyed any chance she got to connect to people but her collage reunion wasn't something she was looking forward to. Angella told her Shadow Weaver will be there and she wasn't sure if she was ready to see her. The last time she saw her was when they broke up. It's not like it happened a few months ago, it was almost 6 years ago. She didn't even understand why it was bothering her, she's over her, she's been over her a long time ago. But if that's true why has she been hiding in her car for the last 15 minutes. _Shit. I should just walk in there with my head held high, I'll show her I'm better without her._ She encouraged herself as she stepped outside of her car in her navy blue dress, the sleeves were long but off shoulders. Her chest was slightly exposed by the V neck of the dress and she had to pull her black coat tighter when the cold winter air touched her skin. When she opened the restaurant's door she saw that most of the people where already there and among them was Shadow Weaver, who at the sound of the door turned her head and locked her eyes with hers. In that moment Casta wanted to cry, to just walk away. What were these feelings, didn't she bury them years ago.  
“Casta!“ Mara's voice ranged through the restaurant, pulling her from her thoughts into her friend's hug.  
Mara was her oldest friend, she gave the best hugs and she always smelled like flowers and pie. Even today her hair was braided and she was wearing black pants along with a white silk shirt. It was a simple look yet she made it look so breathtaking.  
“I saved you a seat next to me.“  
“ Great.“  
Shadow Weaver only gave her a nod and a small smile, if you could even call that a smile and she smiled back hoping her's looked more genuine. She was dressed in a black jumpsuit, her lips were painted red to match her purse. Casta wasn't going to lie to herself, her ex looked amazing and she couldn't help but steal a few glances. She could feel her heartbeat faster every time their eyes would met, every time she heard her voice. For the half of the dinner she was stuck in her own world, wondering how things would of been if Shadow never left her, if she choose her, but there is nothing you can get from what ifs and Castaspella knew that.  
“Castaspella, what you say?“  
“Hmm?“  
“ About the bar? After dinner?“ Angella said giving her a puzzled look.  
„Yeah, sure.“ She gave a fake smile, but her cheeks who were burning red from embarrassment, betrayed her. She needed to get Shadow Weaver out of her head and actually enjoy this dinner.  
“I can't wait for us to get drunk.“ Casta whispered to Mara. “It'll be like old times.“  
“Actually, I can't come. I have an early flight tomorrow.“ _Perfect. Could this night be any better_.  
And not even an hour later it did got much much “better“. Angella suggested that she should give them a ride in her van, of course everyone agreed and now she was stuck sitting next to the person who was ruining this whole night. They were so close to each other, their knees were touching and her heart was beating so loud that she felt like even Shadow Weaver could hear it. She kept looking out of the window trying to focus on the road, on anything but the fact that they were so so close to each other. In that moment she felt a warm breath on her neck.  
“That dress looks great on you.“ It was a whisper, a whisper meant only for her ears. Casta didn't reply, she just kept looking out the window. _How dares she?_ Her cheeks burned but not because of the compliment or embarrassment, no ,she was angry.  
She won't let her play her mind games , she won't fall for a few nice words. She's not stupid and she just wants to get the fuck out of this car, away from this woman.


	2. Making her feel

If this was any other day she would have left the second she stepped inside the bar. The music was obnoxiously loud and the lights were too bright but she found it to be kind of comforting. It definitely helped her keep her mind of _other things._ She could also use a drink or , to be honest , a few. Casta was now walking towards the bar, alone , she is not really sure when she lost the others and if she was honest she didn't really care.

“What can I get for you?“

“…Dry gin, please.“

“Here you go, that will be 4.50$“

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._ She left all of her stuff in the car. How could she forget her wallet. _Stupid._

Ugh. She was standing there probably looking like a fool, she never knew how to deal with unexpected situations. Why did she let one person totally mess with her brain? Was she really such a mess? All because of her.

”Miss? Are you okay?“

”I'll pay for her drink.“ Well, talk of the devil. The devil who was standing right behind Casta and she could once again feel her warm breath on her skin…and her hand above her hip? _What the hell does she think she's doing?_ She wanted to say something, but she felt like her voice just disappeared. Her brain can't think, not like this, not with Shadow Weaver's hand on her. She wanted to push her away, not just physically, but from her mind too, from everything and yet deep down she wished she could freeze in this moment. But Castaspella wasn't doing neither of those things she was just holding on to her glass like her life depended on it, she wondered if she squeezed a little harder would the glass break or was it just her who was breaking.

“You know, when someone does something nice for you ,people usually tend to thank them.“ Casta could hear the cockiness in her voice, could imagine her smirk but she would not dare to look at her, not even to check if she was right or not. _Just ignore her._ She kept repeating to herself as she gulped her drink.

“First the compliment went unnoticed, now this. I think someone might have lost their manners or did the cat ate your tongue? “ Shadow Weaver whispered in the her ear as she motioned to the waiter to bring two more drinks. Her hand still resting on Castaspella's hip.

“Well, I learned from the best. Didn’t I ?“ She finally managed to find her voice even though it sounded weaker than she anticipated. She wanted to say more but her heart couldn't help but skip a beat at the the sound of Shadow Weaver's laugh. “She can speak, who would’ve thought. “ How could she just act like nothing ever happened? How can she be fine with everything? She hated her for it, for making her feel all the things she thought she never would have to feel again but she hated her even more for making her want to go back to old times, for making Casta want her. After everything that she did to her, after all these years , she wanted her and that made her so angry. Not even at Shadow Weaver but at herself. _How can I be so stupid? She just wants to mess with me, provoke me._ Castaspella really was a volcano, a volcano full of old buried feeling that were ready to erupt. She should've walked away the second her drink was paid, yet she was still standing there, like a fucking statue, letting her talk to her, letting her touch her.

“You still smell like vanilla.“ She heard her say like it was the most normal thing to say to your ex after 6 years of not seeing each other. Casta couldn't stand this anymore, just as she was about to leave Shadow Weaver hardened her grip, pulling her closer. Her back was now pressed against her former lover. “Let me buy you another drink.“

“Fine.“ She knew she should have said no but who says no to a free drink. When they were still together Shadow would always try to spoil her by buying her flowers, stuffed animals, paying for lunches and dinners. She felt her eyes water at the thought of these memories but she pushed them away, locking them deep inside her brain where they couldn't bother her.

***

Her body felt heavy and she could swear her head was going to explode. There was something, not something she realized, there was someone under her. The smell of vanilla burning her nose. _Casta ._ She tried to remember what happened, how she end up in the same bed as Castaspella, actually a very naked Castaspella. Not that she was complaining, only a crazy person would and she definitely wasn't crazy. Also the answer was quite obvious, it's not like there's many scenarios where two people end up naked in a bed, but she wanted to remember before Casta woke up and killed her. Casta, who was sleeping under her arm with sheets barely covering her exposed body. Her skin was soft to touch, always has been, but it's not just her skin, Castaspella is a soft person in all means of the word. And Shadow Weaver shouldn't be dwelling on these things, what they had is long gone. Last night they've hardly even talked at least from what she remembers. Maybe she should just get up before Casta wak- in that moment it was like the devil himself ranged the phone that caused the woman under her to wake up. She looked straight at her with confusion and fear mixing in her eyes before she lowered her head, her cheeks changing color. She held the sheets close to her, covering as much as she could. The phone stopped ringing, maybe it really was the devil.

“What happened?“

“What does it look like?“ _Fuck._ That came out way to harsh, her tongue has always been faster than her brain. The confusion on Casta faced was replaced by anger as she got up, pulling the sheets with her. She wanted to say more but Castaspella was faster. “It looks like _you_ got me drunk just so you could get in my pants .“ Her voiced was slightly raised and she wasn't looking at her. She was collecting her clothes of the floor in such a hurry, she stopped only for a second , probably realizing this wasn't her apartment. “That's not-“ Shadow Weaver tried to defend herself, now she was the one getting angry. She was many things but she would _never_ use someone for sex.

“Can I use the bathroom?“

“Yeah, it's the first door on the left but I wanted to say-“ but Casta was already outside of the door before she could even start and few minutes later she heard the doors slam.

And just like that she was gone.


	3. To feel more

**“You don’t understand.”**   
**“ Then explain to me why is this job so important. Why do you have to go to Germany? Don’t you already have a good job.” Casta asked her in a low voice, squeezing her hand. She knew she was just trying to keep her calm, to have a normal conversation, but Shadow Weaver couldn’t soothe her anger. She didn’t want her to find out like this.**   
**“It just is. What I have here it’s not enough.” She felt Castaspella's grip loosen as soon as the words left her mouth. Her eyes were starting to water and her lips were trembling. Both of them knew what was about to happen, Shadow already made her choice there was no coming back now.**   
**“What about me? Aren’t I enough?”**   
**She slowly started to pull her hand away, she was letting go. _It’s best for both of us,_ The voice inside of her repeated over and over again.**   
**“I’m sorry, Casta ,you are enough....just not to me.”**

  
It has been a week since she last saw Casta probably the longest 7 days in her life. No matter what she did or where she went she couldn’t get her out of her thoughts. Just like right now when she just wanted to sleep but her stupid brain won’t stop torturing her. Oh, how she wanted to smash her head against a wall or do anything to stop thinking about this. Otherwise she could lie for hours just wondering if Casta thought about her too or was she maybe thinking about someone else. These kind of thought made her frustrated and angry, but there where other. Ones that made her heart beat faster, that made her feel warm and sad at the same time. Although she didn’t remember much from that night, there were still bits and pieces coming and going. She remembered the feeling of Casta’s body close to her after so many years, the way she digged her nails into her back pulling her closer as she moaned into her ear, the smell of vanilla filling her nose. These were more pleasant thoughts, but after a few minutes the warmth of her heart would turn into guilt. She didn’t have a right to think about her, not in that way. It was her decision to leave, but she was not in control of her feelings ever since she saw her. She was so sure that she could handle going to that stupid reunion, she has been over Casta for years or that’s what she thought. Once she stepped inside of the restaurant in that blue dress it was game over for Shadow Weaver. It felt more like 6 hours passed since she last saw her not 6 years. There was no use in trying to sleep, the train of thought was just going in circles, so she unlocked her phone. It was almost 4 AM, she went to Facebook scrolling through it’s boring content. The little green dot signalled that 3 more people were active, she clicked on it wondering what other fools were online at this time. She couldn’t help but wonder if God was sending her a sign or was someone playing with her but the second person on the list was the same one that was keeping her awake. Maybe she should text her, that wouldn’t be weird would it. Casta probably won’t even reply. What should she send a hi? No, that’s dumb. She should go with something more playful that’s more of her style.  
“What are you doing up? I don’t remember you being a night owl.” Sent. She had to set her phone down before her heart exploded, so she went to the living room, going through tv channels, each one more boring than the other one. Almost 10 minutes passed before she heard her phone vibrate. She replied.   
“I could ask you the same, but to answer your question I think it’s none of you business.” Not the reply she wanted, but , hey , better something than nothing. She wasn’t sure what to write back but if Casta is going to be all harsh and hard to get (which she didn’t really blame her for) she’s going to be a tease.  
“ First of all I don’t think that really answers my question. Secondly, don’t tell me you had a bad dream.”  
This time she didn’t have to wait long for her phone to buzz.  
“ Don’t worry, I won’t tell you anything.” Even better for Shadow Weaver that means she can tease her more.  
“I don’t really think it was a bad dream, to be honest. If I have to guess ( which I do since you won’t say anything) I’ll say you had a different kind of dream, if you know what I mean.”  
She didn’t even have the time to exit the chat because the new message came within a few seconds.  
“Oh, please, enlighten me.”  
“Well, if it wasn’t a bad dream, it must have been a wet dream, you know, the one that leaves you way too excited to go back to sleep.”  
“I’m going to have to disappoint you, but you’re wrong.”  
“I don’t think I am.”  
“Maybe you are the one not sleeping because of a dream.”  
“Oh, Casta, I wish, but it was just my thoughts keeping me up.” She couldn’t help but grin, maybe she wasn’t mad anymore about what happened the other night.  
“Work?”  
“ It’s not that. Don’t get angry haha , but I was just thinking about last week.”  
“What about last week?” She was trying to tease her, but they both knew that was Shadow Weaver's way. She wondered if Casta was doing it on purpose so that she would tease her back.  
“I think you know what, but in case you don’t let me just tell you, you left quite some marks on my back though they’ve faded by now. You should be more careful next time.” She wrote that just to mess with her mind, of course she knew there was no way Castaspella would sleep with her again.  
“Next time?”  
“Wow, I wasn’t expecting you’ll ask so soon, but if your little dream left you so eager, we can do it right now.” She wished she could see her face , the way her cheeks turn red when she’s being teased.  
“ What you’re going to brake into my house at 4:30, get me drunk and then fuck me?”   
“I already tried to explain to you that I didn’t get you drunk so I could sleep you and you would know this if you didn’t run away.”  
“Oh, I’m so very sorry I doubted your intentions.” She decided to change the subjects, they were talking just fine and she didn’t want what happened few days ago to ruin it. This is the first (kind of) normal conversation they had in years.  
“ Do you want to grab a coffee or something? You know to catch up?” _Please say yes. Please say yes._  
“ I’m free tomorrow and I think we both will need that coffee." No way this was actually happening. Her heart was going to explode with excitement, she’s going to see her again.  
“ Give me your address and I can pick you up.”

***

She didn’t know how but somehow she slept though her alarm so here she was now frantically running around her apartment trying to figure out what to wear. She still couldn’t believe she agreed to go with Shadow Weaver, it was a decision made in a heat of moment and she was lacking sleep at the time,but she can still enjoy this. She chose to wear black ripped jeans with a purple sweater tucked inside of them. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail with two front strands loose. There was not a lot of time to deal with make up so she just did her eyeliner and put black lipstick on. She grabbed her purse and run down the stairs, when she opened the front doors Shadow Weaver was already there leaning on her car with her arms crossed. She held the car doors opened for you and they smiled at each other. Casta kept apologising for being late although her former girlfriend told her she didn’t mind, but she just hated when she wasn’t on time. The radio could be head only when neither of them knew what to say next. The topic of their drunken sex still hasn’t been mentioned and Casta wished it would stay like that. They’ve decided to buy their coffee at Starbucks drive through and then go take a walk around the lake. She loved going there when she was a kid and the habit sticked through her teenage years, but with her job and everything else she couldn’t even remember the last she was here. Since it was a Monday morning the lake was basically empty and she enjoyed the quite. Occasionally her arm would brush against Shadow Weaver’s and she thought her cheeks would explode, but it was even worse when they sat down on one of the benches. They were so close to one another. She could feel the warmth of Shadow's body and she wished nothing more than to rest her head on her shoulders, but she will not allow that to herself. This was just a friendly catching up, nothing more and she didn’t want more or at least that’s what she kept saying, yet her body yearned. _I’m just touch deprived_. She would reinsure herself. And she was, but what if there’s more to it than that. It couldn’t be, she’s over her and their little ‘adventure’ won’t change that.   
“Thinking about your little dream?” Shadow Weaver said playfully with that stupid smirk of hers that made her smile and shake her head in a no. Even though she would never admit it she has always enjoyed their bantering and teasing.   
“I told you there was no dream.” She replied locking her eyes with the green ones, it felt like Shadow Weaver’s eyes could see right through her and read her like an open book. They were so pretty to look at and Casta swore she could stay like this forever. The eye contact was broken by a loud thunder that made her flinch and not even a few seconds later she felt cold rain drops on her face. She hated rain and even more that that she hated thunder storms and by the time the two of them reached the car she was already soaking wet. The two front strands of her hair, along with her clothes were now stuck to her and she thought she looked ridiculous. She was also shaking a little since the temperature was only around 40°F and Shadow Weaver must have noticed because she turned the air conditioning on. Her hand moved from the AC and towards Casta, she tucked the strands of her wet hair and her thumb brushed her cheeks or maybe she imagined that part, she’s not sure but either way it felt nice.  
“Do you want me to drive you home?” She asked her in a low voice, like it was a secret and someone else might hear it, her hand was now on the wheel waiting for Casta instructions. She wasn’t sure where else they could go with the weather like this, but she wanted to stay longer and talk more and feel their arms brush.   
“Sure.” She whispered back and the car started to move. When Shadow parked in front of her building she couldn’t help but to ask her to come over, not wanting their little hangout to last so short. Of course, she didn’t say that, her excuse was that she had chocolate cake from Glimmer's birthday that she can’t eat by herself and she didn’t want it to go to waste. So now here there were climbing the stairs to Castaspella’s apartment, their wet shoes making the most annoying sound ever.  
“So, who’s this Glimmer that didn’t eat the cake you made her?” Shadow Weaver asked jokingly, but she thought she could hear just a tiny bit of jealousy in her voice.  
“My niece.”   
“Micah has a child , now that’s a shocker.” They both laughed way too hard at that and Casta almost dropped her keys.   
“Make yourself comfortable. I’ll go change and bring you something you can wear.”  
She chose grey sweatpants and a black shirt for herself and wasn’t quite sure what to give to Shadow since she was shorter than her. She found black leggings that she didn’t really wear and an oversized T-shirt.   
“I hope these do fine.” She said handing them over, their hands touched for a split second and her heart couldn’t help but beat louder when she received a smile.  
“Thanks.”   
When Shadow Weaver was settled on the couch she brought them each a piece of cake and some orange juice. She waited for her to take the first bite so she can see her reaction and she was happy when she got yet another smile for her ex. She couldn’t help but blush and look down.   
“You have some chocolate right here.” Shadow said as she got closer to her and her finger touched the corner of her lips. She was looking her straight in the eyes and before either of them knew their lips collided. Her hand was now more firm on her face, holding her head in place as she hardened the kiss. She parted her lips allowing the other woman to explore more. Both of them were too eager, making the kiss messy. Each one was trying to kiss harder, to feel more. She felt Shadow Weaver’s hand on her thigh , she pulled her closer before pushing her down so that her head was pressed against the arm of the couch.  
“Casta." The older woman said ,trying to catch her breath before kissing her neck. “Do you want this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting interesting...


	4. It didn't feel nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to thank everyone that left kudos and especially comments, like I already said I don't really think I'm good at writing and I wasn't expecting this story to really go anywhere after one or two chapters but your comments really keep me inspired to write this.

“Yeah...” Casta whispered. The hand that was resting on the back of her neck pulled her in for another kiss. She smelled like vanilla but her lips still tasted like chocolate cake and she couldn’t help but find the contrast amusing. She placed one of her hands on Castaspella’s face as the other one moved toward her sweatpants. Then there it was again. Her stupid phone started to ring. Is she cursed or something? Casta shifted slightly, breaking their kiss.  
“It’s fine. They’ll call again.” She ensured her without even checking who it was. Her hand slipped inside of her pants, her long fingers brushing slowly against her clit. Quiet moans filled her ears and it felt like that moment when you hear a song you love after a really long time. They’ve made her heart beat faster until there were once again interrupted by ringing. She groaned as she took the phone in her free hand while her other hand still teased Casta.  
“Shit. It’s my boss.” She wanted to ignore it but like usual he would just keep calling and calling until she answered. “Try to be quiet.” She said with a smirk. Two of her fingers slipped inside of Casta as she clicked the green button. Her eyes grew wider as she bite onto her lower lip, holding her moans in. Her black lipstick was smudged around her lips and her hair was an even bigger mess than before, but Shadow Weaver couldn’t help but find her incredible hot. Her boss kept rambling about some papers, she wasn’t really listening, her focus only on the way Castaspella arched her hips as she thrusted her fingers inside of her.  
“I'll be there in 20.” She told her boss before ending the call and crushing her lips with the smaller woman one more time. Casta pulled her hair as she cum all over her fingers. They’ve stayed like that for a few moments before Shadow Weaver started to get up.  
“I have to go, work is calling.” She already missed the warmth she could feel when their bodies would touch. She cleaned her hands and her face which had stains of lipstick all over it before grabbing her stuff and heading for the door. She glanced at Casta, who was still on the couch.   
“What?”   
“Oh, you know, just thinking about how I just made you cum without even taking a single piece of your clothes off and I was taking on the phone. Anyways, text me tonight.” And she stepped outside of the apartment before she could she Castaspella’s cheeks turn red, but she knew they would. They always did.  
///  
It was already 10:30 PM and she was just about to finish and go home. Her body was starting to feel the effects caused by lack of sleep and the only thing keeping her from not falling asleep was the fact that before she came to this boring office she got to spend half of the day with Casta and they’ve had sex, again. It was a good day, but she was so exhausted , so the second she got home she just kicked her shoes off and threw herself on the couch. It came to her that she was still wearing the clothes Castaspella gave her and just like her the shirt had that same vanilla scent. She turned the phone on, hoping to see a message from her, but she still hasn’t texted her. So Shadow herself decided to send the first message, she wrote and deleted few ones before going for the simplest one.  
“Hey.”   
Luckily, she did not have to wait long for a response.   
“Hi.”   
“So, what now?” _Do I get to see you again?_  
“I’m not sure, but I don’t want us to get back together.” She wasn’t expecting them to just get back together, but still this message hurt like a fucking slap to the face. _Was this all there will ever be?_ Why was she even bothered by this, she shouldn’t be.  
“Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed today, but I don’t think there should be anything more than that. I don’t want a relationship and I think you feel the same. I don’t mind us catching up and/or sleeping together but that’s all.” Did she feel the same? Casta had a point, she broke up with her for a reason and though the sex was incredible did she really want more? No. Maybe.  
“So are you suggesting us to be friends with benefits or what?” Shadow Weaver would take it. Of course she would, she’ll get to see her again, to sleep with her and even if she wasn’t sure she wanted more, she knew she want this.   
“I guess so, if you want to.”  
“Yeah, I’m fine with it.”  
“We should figure out the details in person. I’ll be free in a few days.”  
“Guess I’ll see you then.”   
That was the last she heard from her for 3 days. Those days went by faster than last time, mostly because she was stuck at work, buried in paperwork. She didn’t have friends that she could go out with, when she left , she lost contact with everyone and even in Germany she didn’t really have friends. If she was being honest, she was never an outgoing, friendly type. When Casta and her were together, she would go out with Micah and Mara, she wasn’t her cup of tea, but she enjoyed spending time with Micah and at the end of the day Mara wasn’t that bad. She would never admit this, but sometimes she missed those times. Since she got back these longings became more intense, she started to miss things that she didn’t even think about in years. The funny thing was they’ve all lead to her, every single thing was connected by Casta and it made her nuts. She hated when she wasn’t in control of her feelings, she hated that one second she wished she didn’t come back and in other she wished she never left in the first place. She hated how she wanted to forget Casta and then in the next moment she wanted to remember everything about her. She hated that she didn’t understand what she was feeling and why. In conclusion she hated feelings and that’s why she didn’t have many connections and those she did have, she would end up ruining. Just like she did with Castaspella, whose text she received on Thursday night while she was getting ready for bed.  
“Hey, are you free tomorrow?”  
“Only after 7 PM.”  
“Wanna grab a drink?”  
“Is that even a question? Same bar as last time?”  
“Sure thing.”  
She was not sure what to expect from all of this. It’s not that she was complaining, she could definitely use occasional sex, but she was scared that she would want more ,that she would get attached, that she already was too attached to Casta. She was a mess when it came to her, has been since the day she met her. She remembers how back in the day she could read her like an open book, but now she seemed more closed of from the world. From her? Sometimes she annoyed herself with these thoughts. What in the world did she expect? She has been gone for almost 6 years and they’ve seen each other twice. Instead of dwelling on this, she should be grateful she even got to see her.   
When she entered the bar, the first thing she noticed was that it was less crowded then last time and the music wasn’t as loud. It was a work day and still quite early so she wasn’t really surprised. Since the bar was almost half empty, it wasn’t hard for her to spot Casta. She was sitting at one of tables in the corner of the room, fidgeting with a straw. Her raven hair was pulled away from her face and into a tight bun. A true sight for sore eyes. Her dark lips flashed her a smile and it felt like the world slowed down, making the walk from the door to the table feel painfully long. They talked for an hour about work, old friends and past habits, only shortly mentioning their ‘agreement’ and setting some basic boundaries, they’ve both already expected. It felt so right to talk to her, to hear the way she laughed at her jokes, to see her cheeks change colour either from embarrassment or from laughing too hard. When they were about to leave Casta started to insist on paying the drinks and she let her, but only this once.   
“I’ve forgot how small you are.” She stated once she saw Casta wearing flat shoes instead of the high heels, she usually preferred. The response she got was playfully defensive and she never understood why, she used to love the fact that Castaspella was so short. It meant everytime she hugged her from behind she got to rest her head on top of hers. She could give her forehead kisses before rushing of to work or she could put an arm around her shoulders and pull her closer.  
“ Don’t get so defensive, no one said it’s not a complement.” She said as they stopped next to Casta’s car.   
“You’re right. It’s so much fun.”   
“Oh, come on don’t be so sarcastic. Would this be as fun if you were taller?” She asked as she walked closer and closer until the smaller woman’s back were pressed against the car. They were so close to each other that she could feel her breath on her skin. Her eyes were locked with the amber ones and she couldn’t help but to lean down until their foreheads were touching. Casta didn’t answer her question. She just closed her eyes and Shadow Weaver could swear that she too arched a little. She kissed her, but it was different from the last time. This one was softer, slower. Her right hand cupped the warm cheeks, the tips of their noses were pressed against one another. This felt more personal, more emotional than needy. Was this considered crossing the boundaries? It seemed like Casta thought the same as she broke the kiss. “I should go.” Yet her hand was still on her cheek and their foreheads were still touching and...and she didn’t want to let go cause it felt nice, no it didn’t feel nice, it felt warm and nostalgic, happy and sad and so much more than words could ever describe, but in the end she let go. There was no reason to hold on to it for longer or there shouldn’t be. Maybe her fears were real, a part of her was attached even if she didn’t acknowledged that part, it was still there, burning inside of her, growing more and more everytime she saw her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two are so oblivious, it's insane. Lesbians...


	5. She felt the weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Feelings that came back  
> Are feelings that never left."  
> Frank Ocean

Who in the world was at her front door at 9 AM on a SUNDAY? She groaned as she pulled herself out of the bed and throw on her robe. If this was her neighbour again, she’s going to go nuts. That guy has already been here two times this week. “I’m coming!” She yelled as the bell rang again. _For fuck’s sake._ Her stomping could probably be heard 2 floors down, she's definitely not a morning person. She prepared her best ‘I could kill you' gaze as she opened the doors , more aggressively than she anticipated. What she didn’t except was the way her face soften as soon as she saw who was behind those doors.   
“Casta, what are you doing here?”   
***  
She remembered Shadow Weaver’s birthday was tomorrow, so after work she decided to go and buy her something. She didn’t know why, but it didn’t even matter. In Casta's mind there should never be a reason not to give someone a gift , especially if it’s theirs birthday. She roamed around the mall for sometime until she came across a sliver necklace. It had a black rose at the end of it and she knew Shadow loved flowers. That’s basically the story of how she found herself here on a Sunday morning. She felt a little guilty because from the way the taller woman looked and sounded, she must have woke her up. The arm that was holding the jewellery box stretched out and her lips curved into a smile before wishing the woman in front of her a happy birthday. Shadow Weaver’s lips parted slightly and it made her look even more confused than she was few seconds ago, but she took the box from her hands.  
“You shouldn’t have.” She told her, moving out of the way so that Casta could step inside.   
“ I wanted to.” Her back coat slipped off of her shoulders, it was much warmer here and she could feel her face flush. “Besides, you know how I get when it comes to gifts and special occasions.” She loved, loved, loved buying gifts and even more she loved organising parties. Baking was her favourite part or maybe decorating. She couldn’t really decide , she enjoyed all of it. Birthdays were exciting. She saw Shadow Weaver roll her eyes a little, but nonetheless she smiled. Casta raised her eyebrow at her, waiting to see her open the gift. “Are you going to open it or what?”

  
She watched as long fingers brushed over the surface of the box , before uniting it and lifting the cap. “It’s beautiful...Thank you.” Shadow said ,looking her in the eyes. Incredible happiness took over her and she thought she might explode into thousand colours. No one could ever convince her that receiving a gift is better than giving a good one to someone. Just seeing their reaction was good enough gift for Casta. She sat down next to her and for the first time noticed that under the robe the other woman was wearing a very see through, white top. Her lips went dry and she moved her gaze away, her heartbeat was so fast, sounding like a bomb ready to go boom. Was she gay panicking? Luckily for her, Shadow Weaver didn’t seem to notice and Casta had a moment to pull herself together. She cleared her throat before apologising for coming so early and disturbing her sleep. She was so excited, she forgot her former girlfriend could sleep through the whole day.  
“I don’t mind you disturbing anything.” There was both seriousness and playfulness in it. She felt the weight of her hand on her knees and everything seemed to stop for a moment. Everything that happened years before suddenly disappeared and it was just them and the last few weeks. She felt disappointed at herself because she can’t even keep a grudge against someone that hurt her so much. Her whole body screamed to just let go of the past to just give in, but her brain said the opposite, sometimes you can’t just forget. In movies everyone says you should follow your heart , but what was her heart saying? She didn’t understand, there was too much emotions. Her heart was loud, but she couldn’t hear what it was telling her. She felt warm tears fighting their way out.  
“What are you doing to me?” She said it out loud, her voice was low and it cracked and the tears fell and she wanted to take a deep breath, but she couldn’t. Why couldn’t she? Shadow Weaver looked at her, her smirk changed into confusion and for a split second there was worry in her emerald eyes, the same ones that could pierce right through her whole being. She couldn’t stand to look, she stood up rapidly and the hand that was weighing her down fell on to the couch, she turned her face away, so that the other woman wouldn’t look at her tears. _Why did I say that? Why I’m a crying? What’s the matter with me?_  
“Casta?” It was barely above a whisper and it made her ache more.   
“I'm sorry, I should go.” She wanted to leave before something she’ll regret happens but there was a grip on her arm, making her turn around. Her volcano erupted, the emotion filled lava burning her throat. She let it out, she had to or otherwise it would have burned her alive. “Why did you come back? Why did you talk to me in the bar? Why did you act like nothing ever happened?” And why did I let you? She wanted to scream, but her voice came out quietly, breaking with almost every word.   
“I don’t know...but I’m sorry...for everything.”   
“I don’t need your apologies, I don’t want them. Sorry can’t fix what _you_ did. Yo-... Did you ever even care about me or was I never enough?” It came out louder this time, more demanding. She wanted to know. She needed to.  
“Of course I cared about you!” The grip on her hand harden and their was a glimpse of annoyance in Shadow Weaver’s voice. Why was she getting annoyed, she did have a right. She is the one that left, the one that ruined everything. She pulled her hand away.  
“You know what I think? I think you never cared about anything other than your career.” With that she left, but as soon as the doors slammed behind her, she felt guilty. She let her emotions drive her, she shouldn’t have said those things. Plus she embarrassed herself by making a scene over nothing. Why did she do that?   
***   
**I think you never cared about anything other than your career.**

  
She couldn’t get it out of her head. For the first time in forever Shadow Weaver cried and she hadn’t really stopped since the doors closed behind Casta. It hurt because she was right, well mostly. Her career was important to her but that didn’t mean Castaspella wasn’t. Too bad she realized it after she left. Without someone to share your success and happiness, without her, it’s nothing. She wiped the tears with the back of her hand. It was enough dwelling for one day. Today’s situation made her realise one more thing, her attachment to Casta was real, no matter how hard she tried to fight it, it was real. There was a decision she had to make. She needed to choose if she’ll ignore this or if she’ll act on it. The first option meant she’ll have to end everything she had with her, if there was even anything that needed to be ended. And if she chose the later? She’ll have to do whatever’s in her power to get her back, she’s going to have to do something she never did before. She’ll have to put someone over her job, over everything else in her life, but what if she couldn’t do either of those. What if she wasn’t ready to let go of everything, but not strong enough to put her first. What if she ruined everything? Her eyes went to the necklace that was placed on the little glass table next to the couch. She hadn’t looked at it since their fight or whatever that was. Her thumb past over the shiny rose. She remembered her birthday. That thought made her chest fill tight and her sight was blurred, but she fought the tears. Her phone pulled her from her mind.   
“I wanted to apologise for what happened today. I shouldn’t have said those things, I don’t know what gotten into me. I’m sorry and I hope we can put this behind us.” Of course she was apologising, it was so Casta like. She wanted to scream at her because she shouldn’t apologise, she was right . Why did she have to be so damn perfect?   
“It’s okay. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”  
“You shouldn’t apologise, it’s my fault. I made such a scene.” She always did this, taking the fault even if it wasn’t all hers. Always blaming herself for everything and she wanted to slap some sense into her. Let her know that she can scream at her all she wants, she didn’t care if that’s what she needed, she can have it. Even if it made her hurt to hear the truth , she would still let her do it. Finally, she accepted her fear, she was attached and she knew what she had to do.   
“It’s behind us now. Right?”  
She wanted her and she was going to do everything to get her back. She’ll win her over, she did it once she can do it all again. She can work on her mistakes and she can do right by her. For once in her life she’s going to fight for someone, for someone that she should’ve fought long time ago. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two characters in two days? Who this?


	6. They felt fragile and gentle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to say this, but I'm really sorry if there are any mistakes with grammar or spelling since english isn't my first language and sometimes I don't check my chapters as carefully as I should.

It was day one of trying to win Casta over. She wanted to do something nice for her, yes, she, Shadow Weaver wanted to do something nice for someone other than herself. It took her a few days to come up with anything that didn’t seem too weird or like she was trying too hard. She wanted it to be a nice gesture but still keep it casual. Last thing she needed was to go over the top, cross boundaries and make everything worse. So, her ‘perfect’ plan was to invite Casta over for dinner as a thank you for her gift. And now she had an excuse as to why she was asking her to come, so far so good...except she was as good at cooking as a five-year-old child. Not even 30 minutes into making her dish, it was fucking burnt and ready to be served in the trash can. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. She tried one more time and to her surprise it looked okay, nothing was burnt. She slowly took a bite and of course the reason why it was burnt was because it was undercooked. Frustrated she threw the whole thing away, Casta was supposed to be there in like 10 minutes and she had nothing to serve, she looked like shit, her apartment was filled with smoke and she definitely won’t try again because she might actually poison both Casta and herself. This was already awful, she should cancel, make something up, maybe her boss called, or she felt sick and the bell rang, the fucking bell rang. Could this be more embarrassing, she asked her to come for dinner only to serve her an empty plate. She run her hands over her face, trying to calm herself up before opening the doors.

The first thing she noticed was that her hair was down, blending in with her dark sweater and her lips were missing the famous black lipstick. She was revealed that Castaspella was dressed casually since she herself looked, well, not very good. Not that Casta look bad, she was as pretty as ever but she was glad she kept it simple, that’s all.

“Should I call firefighters?” The smaller woman giggled as she stepped inside.

“If they’re going to bring some food then, please, go ahead.”

“I don’t think that’s a part of their job. What were you even trying to do?”

“Lasagne.” She said looking down, she usually didn’t get ashamed, but she wanted to have a nice evening and she managed to ruin it already.

“Well, it’s your lucky day cause I make perfect lasagne.” She couldn’t help but to smile at her, this woman was probably the only person who would offer to cook at the dinner she was invited to. She led her to the kitchen, showing her where everything was. “I think we'll going to have to make something else...I’m kind of out of pasta.” She said, holding an empty bag. In response she got an eye roll as Casta took the bag from her hand and threw it into the garbage can. “We can make our own pasta, you know?” Of course, she knew how to make it, was there something this woman couldn’t do.

“Do I look like someone who can do that?” She said sarcastically as she watched the other woman roll the sleeves of her sweater and tie her shiny hair in a ponytail.

“No, but I’ll teach you.” She must have freezed because there was a small laugh telling that it wasn’t that hard, and she laugh too. She let Casta ramble around the kitchen until she found everything she needed. Slowly, she explained her what she had to do, but if Shadow Weaver was being honest, she didn’t remember half of it. So as soon as Castaspella left her to work on something else, she was lost. How is it possible that she doesn’t even know how to roll out a piece of dough?

“Um...I don’t think I’m doing this right.” That’s all she had to say for her to return to her side and she obviously wasn’t doing a good job since Casta stepped in between her and the kitchen counter. Her back brushing against her as she once again showed how to do it. She listened carefully, taking in the vanilla scent, which probably wasn’t the best choice since it was becoming torturous to concentrate. Her eyes kept moving their gaze from Casta's hands to her very exposed neck. She took a step forward, her chest pressed against Castaspella’s back, their cheeks so close but still not touching. If the shorter one of them turned around their lips would be as close as their cheeks and she might not resist the urge to kiss them. She moved her hands, placing them on top of the soft ones, that seemed to tense for a moment before continuing what they were doing. They felt fragile and gentle, but unbothered by the extra weight on them. She closed her eyes and just for a moment she was years away, back to when things easy, when she could kiss her without a second thought and hold her close for as long as she wanted. In her heart there was a fling of hope maybe just maybe, she could have that and more.

“I think this will be good enough.” Casta’s body slipped away from her and just like that she was pulled back to present.

She let her finish the rest while she set the table and pour them both a glass of red wine. The radio played in the background as they’ve waited for the dish to be done. Every time a new song came on Casta claimed to love it so much more than the previous one. Shadow Weaver couldn’t help but dare to dance with her if she really loved it so much.

“Oh, come on.” She said, stretching her arm towards the smaller woman. Loving the way, she smiled as she contemplated the idea before giving in and slipping her hand into hers. She pulled her closer, placing a hand onto her lower back. Honey brown eyes staring at her, making her heart skip not one, but hundreds and hundreds of beats.

The room was filled with the smell of homemade dinner and Casta’s laugh echoed through her ears as she spun her around. Their bodies pulling away and then crashing into each other over and over again. They would both stop at the same time trying to catch their breaths and the laughter would die out leaving only the guy’s singing. With the way her heart was beating, she was surprised she even heard the song. Her cheeks hurt, but she couldn’t erase the smile from her face. Something flattered in her chest like she was about to exhale a dozen butterflies, each one more vibrant than the other. If she could yell from the top of her lungs, she would let everyone know that there was not a single moment in the last six years where she felt as content as she did now. There was nothing that could even come close or compare to the way Casta’s touch made her senses come alive. Her soft hand could shake her world and crumble her soul like the strongest earthquake. She was her caim*, her eyes lighting the deepest part of her heart. Happiness tingled her eyes and burned her throat, but she blinked it away, still too scared to feel it fully. Why did she ever think this wasn’t enough? It seemed like there is truth in ‘you never know what you have until it’s gone’.

“Thanks for saving the day.” She told her as they collapsed on the couch, sipping red wine. Lasagnes nothing but an empty tray on the kitchen table.

Casta giggled at her, taking her black heels off, “Well I didn’t come here to starve…”, she brought her legs to the couch, coming closer, until she was comfortable enough to sit on her knees. “How do you even survive on your own?”

The wine tasted sweet on her lips, “I guess I just invite pretty girls over and hope they offer to cook.”, and they went up into a smirk. Sometimes she just couldn’t help her playfulness and cockiness, especially when she knew how to get a reaction out of Castaspella.

“And if they don’t?”

“Then I pray that their lips taste nice.” It came out as hoarse whisper, “You know, like lasagnes and red wine.”, the tips of her fingers brushing over Casta’s jawline, stopping under her chin as she passed her thumb over her lower lip. She watched as they parted slightly before leaning down, freezing at her lips, letting the tips of their noses brush. She waited for Casta to pull away, but instead she was the one to connect their lips, pulling herself onto Shadow Weaver’s lap.

She griped her hips before letting her right-hand travel down her tight to her knee and the up. It caressed her back, sliding under the black sweater. The feeling of warm skin made her draw closer, a moan vibrated against her lips. Then the dark lips went down her neck, placing messy kisses left and right till she grabbed her ponytail pulling her away until she could kiss her again.

“We can take this to the bedroom…if you want to.”

“Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * caim-sanctuary; an invisible circle of protection, drawn around the body with the hand, to remind one of being safe and loved, even in the darkest times.
> 
> If any of you have pinterest feel free to leave them down below since i just started to use mine and i want to follow more people haha.


	7. to feel everything

” That was amazing…” Shadow Weaver breathed out as her body rolled off, leaving Casta exposed.

She agreed, mumbling a quiet ‘yeah’. Her voice sounded as shaky as her legs and her whole body sank into the soft mattress before she pulled herself upwards. Her legs touched the cold floor as she turned her back to Shadow Weaver. A chilly breeze came through the slightly opened window, making her skin prickle. For most of the part they were in the dark and that made her eyes struggle to locate her clothes, which was thrown all over the bedroom and probably even outside of it.

A voice came from the other side of the bed, “Stay.”

She made it sound so tempting, but “I don’t think that would appropriate…”

“We just fucked, and you think _that_ wouldn’t be appropriate.”

She knew it was said jokingly, but her voice still rose, “You know what I mean.”, for once she wanted to be taken seriously.

“I do…” Shadow Weaver’s declaration came quickly, but yet she continued, “it’s late and we both drank quite a bit, so…it would just be better if you stayed.” With that she turned onto her side, away from Castaspella. She slipped under the blanket and with the light color of the sheets her wavy hair looked like a spilled paint, creating a contrast, an abstract piece of art.

Casta bit her lower lip, contemplating her move for a few minutes before she let her head hit the pillow. She wrapped the covers tightly around her body, hiding it from the cold breeze. Her limbs were wobbly and unreliable, so she let the eyelids, that were weighting her down, to fall over her eyes and hoped for sleep to take her over soon.

Her eyes didn’t feel as heavy, when she opened them again. There was a soft, tingling sensation on her back and a faint mutter escaped her lips before realizing that the tingles she was feeling, were actually a hand lightly tracing little circles. The embarrassment creeped in immediately, making her face sting. She wanted to pretend that she was asleep or dead, but there was no way Shadow Weaver would believe either of those, well not after letting out that moan. Her body moved slowly turning from her side onto her back as she stretched her arms, making it like she didn’t notice the gentle touch. Once her back hit the mattress fully, she found out that the other woman stood much closer than she expected. They were so close that she almost hit her in the face while ‘stretching’.

Shadow had her head resting in her arm, “Well, good morning, sleeping beauty.”, she said basically towering over her, emerald eyes shown down on her. She wondered what time it was and for how long were the soft touches on her skin. “I must have really worn you out, when _you_ slept longer than me.” With playfulness she added yet another comment.

“You wish.” Her raspy voice teased too, but if she had to be honest, she did feel tired and kind of sore, like everywhere.

Ebony hair fell onto her face as Shadow Weaver lower her head, whispering. “I don’t have to.” Her breath warming her face as her own lungs stopped working and her heart pumped more blood than it should have. Her eyes glanced down at the pink lips, questioning if they’re going to crash at her and push her deeper into the cloudy bed. She couldn’t help but noticed how at times, the taller woman would act differently. The way she held her hand, when they danced or how her kisses would go from hard to soft to hard again, like all of this was more than it was, than it will ever be. She wasn’t enough for her back then so why would she be now.

She made her body pull away from the warm breath, out of the soft bed and onto the cold floor. The green eyes could be felt on her as she walked around the room collecting her clothes.

“No, you’re ruining the view.” Shadow Weaver exclaimed as she was putting her sweater back on. In corner of her eye she could see her get up and mimic her by wrapping a red, silky robe around her body. Her long legs moved quickly, slipping outside of the bedroom and leaving Casta to deal with the pile of clothes. She could hear the coffee machine running and the clinking of mugs. Hurryingly she picked her pants, pulling them over her legs before following the smell of coffee which led her into the kitchen. She sat at one of the high stools next to the kitchen bar, checking her phone she saw 2 unread messages. One was from Mara, who was checking in on her and the other one was from Micah. It was a photo of Glimmer, she was in the sweater Casta knitted her and in her hands, she held a paper with a sign ‘thank you, aunty” that was obviously written in her brother’s handwriting.

“Oh, she’s adorable.” A voice that came from behind startled her and she flinched which almost caused her to drop her phone.

“She is.” Her chair spun until she was facing Shadow Weaver, her brows narrowed, “You shouldn’t look at other people’s phones like that.”, but her lips curled in a smile.

“What? You got nudes or something?” A smirk appeared on her face and she stepped closer, lowering one mug onto the bar.

“Hmm, perhaps and perhaps not.”

“Well, if someone else is getting them, I want them too.” It was said in the same jokingly tone, but Casta thought there was a trace of jealousy and she went on with it.

“They’re reserved only for some.” It was a white lie, while kind of, she did send a few to her last girlfriend, but that was like a year and half ago so theoretically no, she wasn’t sending anything to anyone.

“Such as?”

“Such as none of your business.”

“Fine, be secretive…” The smirk disappeared from her face and now there was definitely jealousy in her voice, “but I bet they don’t fuck you as half as good as I do.”

This might have gone a little too far and she could feel her face flush as her eyes widen slightly. She cleared her throat before turning around and taking a slip from the mug that was left there. It tasted way bitter than she liked it, but she didn’t care, drinking it only so she wouldn’t have to reply. Awkward silence filled the room and she tried to swallow the drink as quickly as she could so that she might head home. She already stayed longer than she expected or should’ve have.

***

As soon as Casta left she threw her body onto the couch with a loud sigh. Was she so incapable of spending time with her without ruining something? How was she not supposed to? When just the thought of Castaspella seeing someone else made her skin boil and her heart scream like it was being thrown from Mount Everest. But being friends with benefits wasn’t even considered as seeing or dating someone. She hated that word too…friends. What a fucking insult. They were never friends. She fell for Casta the first time she saw her, and she spent the first month of knowing her by asking her out every single day until she said yes. She didn’t want to be her friend then and she sure as hell didn’t want to be her friend now. If anything, she would prefer if she called her ex with benefits.

Her mind would try to focus on more positive things, such as last night. The way Casta melted under her body, letting her explore every part of her body. They did go a little hard on each other, she especially, allowing herself to get driven by emotions after finally having Casta all for her. She wanted to feel everything, to hear every moan and whimper that past over her lips. Closing her eyes, she remembered how her hand tried to caress as much as it could while their bodies pressed harder against each other. She could see her turned them over, trying to take control and she would let her, but only for a short time before taking it for herself. Then the memory would turn into a product of her imagination and she would see Casta doing all these things with someone else and her eyes would snap open.

She came to a conclusion that if she wanted to win her over, she’s going to have to try a lot harder. So, an invisible list started to form in her mind, and on to it she would add stuff she thought might help. _Buy flowers. Take her stargazing. ~~Tell her what you really want.~~ Have a picnic. ~~Tell her you were wrong.~~_

In the end, she decided to kill two flies with one stone and take Casta on a picnic when they can also look at the stars. Immediately her hands found her phone and she texted her to set the time but keeping the actual idea a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess next time we're going stargazing


	8. We can’t control how we feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My holidays are over and that's why this took longer than usual and i really hope i don't lose motivation for this story.
> 
> “Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters.”
> 
> ― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

” Where are we going?” It was probably the tenth time she heard this question and they have only been driving for about twenty minutes. Her plan was to take them to a little hill outside of the city, that was filled with wildflowers and it had one of the most beautiful views of the sunset she had ever seen.

“Casta, we’re almost there.” She let out with a sigh, taking a quick glance at the woman next to her. Casta threw herself backwards allowing her back to hit the car seat as she pouted her bottom lip and crossed her arms in front of her chest. The wind coming through the window made raven hair stick to her cheek and she looked like a little child who just got told she couldn’t have ice cream before dinner. And she stayed like that until Shadow Weaver stopped the car.

When they stepped outside, the sun was already going down and sky was glowing with orange and pink lights, that painted the clouds too. She went to the back of the car taking out everything they’ve needed while Casta hurried through the field. Her hands would sweep over the colorful flowers, stopping only here and then to take her phone out and snap a picture, with it exclaiming her amazement. Shadow Weaver didn’t really care that Casta didn’t noticed her setting a blanket with food down on the grass because there was nothing more beautiful than watching Casta run around with that big smile on her face. 

“Isn’t it a little late for a picnic?” She questioned, bursting out of her little bubble and sitting down next to her. As she was taking her boots off, the last rays of sun hit her face, making her skin glow and her hair shine.

“I, actually thought we could watch the stars…um…you used to do that right?” She noticed how her hands got slightly sweaty as she fidgeted with them and she wiped them against her jeans. Her voice sounded tight and she thought she might stumble over her words. There was also a weird, fluttery feeling in her stomach that she most definitely resented.

“Oh my God, that’s a great idea.” Castaspella exclaimed as she clasped her hand, once again smiling from ear to ear. “I can’t believe I haven’t thought of that.”

When it got dark enough to see the stars, Casta laid down on her back with her hands crossed and placed on top of her stomach. She sensed that it was getting colder so before laying down next to her she took an extra blanket out of her bag and tossed over them. Her arm brushed against Casta’s elbow before she felt her move it away. Her heart dropped, but not for long since the next thing she knew, there were cold finger passing over her hand, making her feel like her body was filled with electricity. Her own fingers moved quickly, closing in, she kept the soft hand steady in her palm so it wouldn’t slip away. Casta shifted closer to her, resting her head on her shoulder so that way every time she would exhale her breaths would warm Shadow Weaver’s neck. Vanilla run through her nostrils mixing with the smell of grass and daisies and that for itself was a special kind of warmth reserved for her soul. A familiar feeling fulfilled her heart and she begged the universe and the stars above them to let it have it for more than just this moment. A voice inside her head cried out, pleading for the moon to light her way, to help her see clearer so that she might fix what she ruined. She needed this if she ever wanted to feel real happiness, she had to make things right.

A whisper broke through the cloud of her thoughts, “You know…” it started, “I tried to hate you for so long.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you do.” It was the truth, if anyone was to blame it was her selfishness and want for more and more and more, until you have nothing to want anymore. Yet her voice came out so flat and unemotional that nothing she said sounded even a tiny bit generous.

“I don’t. No matter how hard I tried, I never could. Not, when you were right…”, _no, I wasn’t._ She should’ve said that out loud, said something, but the other woman was faster.

“We can’t control how we feel, you felt like I wasn’t enough and that’s okay. It took me sometime to realize that everyone has their own wants and needs. I tried to shape you so that you would mirror my own, even though I knew you wanted other things.”

“Don’t do that.” She said lightly squeezing her hand, “Put everything on yourself, especially when something is not your fault.”

“I’m not…I’m just trying to say that I understand. Feelings are untamable and I couldn’t tell you how to feel, not even you could do that.” What was she supposed to say to that? She was right about feelings, if she had a say in it, she definitely wouldn’t feel like this. Longing for more, but too afraid to say anything, well, too afraid of the rejection. What an irony, she thought to herself, back then she was too scared of what would happen if she stayed, now she couldn’t stay away.

Her thumb passed over Castaspella’s knuckles, “Are you cold?”, she turned her head to the right, facing the smaller woman.

“A bit.” She said whispering as if someone else might hear them. Even with just the moonlight, she could see how her cheeks and nose turned red, and she couldn’t help but to sift closer. Casta didn’t give any signs of complaint so she let her free hand fall over her waist. She twisted the soft fabric edge of the shirt between her fingers for a few minutes before slipping her hand under it. Long fingers run up and down her back, the tips of them lightly drawing spiral and circle shapes. She wasn’t sure for how long she was doing that until she felt Casta’s body completely relax and her breathing seemed shallowed.

“Casta?”

Inaudible mumbles could be heard as she snuggled into her, raven hair tickled her face and she tried to blow it away. In hopes to wake her up she touched her shoulder, shaking it gently, “I’ll take you home, you can’t sleep here.”

“Just…resting my eyes.”

“You can rest them in the car.” She got up, making Casta’s body slip off her, “Come on.”

She tried to get them home as fast as she could, since it was incredibly painful to watch how hard Casta was trying not to fall asleep. After seeing that it wasn’t really a surprise that any attempt at a conversation won’t work, not when she can barely keep her eyes open, nonetheless the sight made her lips curl up into a smile. She would never admit it out loud, but Casta made her feel all soft and caring. With her there, there was no being rational, they’ve just existed, there and then in that moment. She always tried to keep her emotions in control and let her brain guide the way and Castaspella was her opposite or it seemed like it at first. She wouldn’t try to cover her feelings, as a matter of fact she let them drive her, leaving a piece of herself in everyone and everything she touched. Then there was her, constantly trying to plan her whole life ahead, avoiding connections to people because to her they were distractions, it was always mind over matter in her life, well, until she met Casta. She brought chaos to her life and back then she hated it, she thought it was too much for her, that Castaspella deserved someone who could actually appreciate the chaos. That’s why she left, but after Casta the whole mind over matter seemed like a bunch of bullshit. She tried to be happy with her job and it just wasn’t working, there was more happiness in eating takeout food in Casta’s shitty dorm room. So, the reunion came like a gift from God himself, though she was not expecting for things to escalate so quickly, here she was driving half asleep Castaspella home. Her hand fell on the other woman’s thigh, an old habit, she would squeeze it gently every time it seemed like she would drift off.

Even though Casta told her it was excessive, she still insisted on following her to her apartment. She was too tired, and she wasn’t willing to risk anything happening to her, even if it mostly likely won’t, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

“You might as well sleep here.” Even her voice sounded sleepy and she wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic or not.

“It’s fine.”, but Casta didn’t have it, she tugged her wrist weakly, leading her inside, before she locked the door. She knew she shouldn’t stay, but she wanted to, she really, really wanted to and for once in her life she didn’t want to overthink. So, she let herself have this.


	9. act on these feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new update...finally

translation

Kuda si pošla sa tim tamnim očima Where are you going with those dark eyes   
I čije ime ti na usni počiva and whose name is on your lips  
Kaži mi ko ti gužva postelju tell me who wrinkles your sheets  
I ko ima zlatne ključeve and who has golden keys  
Od tvojih tajnih odaja to your secret rooms

Daj da te pratim Let me follow you  
Gde god da si krenula where ever you're going  
Sretan je onaj lucky is the one  
S’ kim si noći delila with whom you shared your nights

Daj da te pratim Let me follow you  
I da budem sena and be the shadow  
Da ne budeš usamljena so you’re not lonely   
Kad po vodi budeš hodala when you walk on water

-Plavi safir by Bajaga i instruktori - Blue safir

* * *

Spring rolled around and as months past, she and Shadow Weaver started to see each other more often. And it was starting to bother her because she thought they were taking things too far. Yes, they had sex, but it started to be more than that _, to her_ at least. If she truly reflected on it, the two of them were literally acting like they were in a relationship. Besides that, Shadow Weaver was different ever since that picnic, though she couldn’t quite place it. But then again maybe it was just her imagination, just something she wanted to see, because…there was a change in her too. The one she certainly didn’t like to acknowledge; she was falling for her…again. No matter how hard she tried to push it away, there was no hiding the way her cheeks would burn and her heart flutter in her presence or how she would count the days to their next meeting. There was no hiding the smile that would appear when daydreams and fantasies filled her head. It would make her feel like she was a silly teenage girl, wanting to be wanted. And maybe she was just that, silly and naïve, but she didn’t care. It’s not like she will act on these feelings, she can’t, that much she promised herself. Yet again, wasn’t she already breaking it by sleeping with her?

A high-pitched voice pulled her out of her mind, “Aunty…”, Glimmer said, letting her doll fall to the soft carpet as she climbed the couch so she can sit next to Casta. “You look sad.”

“How can I be sad when my favorite niece is here?” She pinched her cheek, which caused the little girl to giggle. Nonetheless guilt took over her, she couldn’t believe she let herself get distracted when Glimmer was here. So, she pulled the girl into a hug, “I love you tons.”

“I love you lots.” Her tiny hands wrapped around her neck and it washed away all the guilt from before and in her heart, stood only joy. But unfortunately, their little moment was interrupted by the knocking on the doors. She sat Glimmer back on the couch before walking away. Then she swung the doors open and would it be a normal day if it wasn’t one and only Shadow Weaver.

“Hey.” She stepped closer, her head lowering as if she was about to kiss her, but suddenly Casta took a step back, leaving the other woman to stand there awkwardly with her hands inside her leather jacket.

“It’s not really a good time…” She moved slightly and pointed to the little girl, that was so concentrated on her drawing that she didn’t even noticed them,” umm…Glimmer is sleeping over.”

“Oh, sorry, I’ll go then.”

Shadow Weaver turned to leave, but impulsively Casta caught her wrist, “You can stay.”

“Just act appropriate.” She added with a wink as they both stepped inside.

***

Casta disappeared into the kitchen, leaving her alone with her niece, she popped herself on the couch next to the little child. “What are drawing?” She questioned as she looked down at what the girl was scrambling.

She answered her short and simple, “It’s a plan.”, her gaze never leaving the paper.

“What kind of plan?”

“Well, Aunty Casta won our tickling battle last time, so I have to beat her today.”

She smiled as the girl continued to explain her plan, which was awful in her opinion. Thus, she did what every normal adult person would do, “Want me to help you?” that got the girl to finally look up as she nodded with a cheeky smile on her face. They worked on her plan, trying to make it perfect, which by any means wasn’t even a tiny bit hard.

“I see you two are getting along.” Casta said once she decided to join them. Her hair was down, and she was already dressed in her dark purple night gown, a very short gown, Shadow noted. When she told her to act appropriate, she failed to mention that she will look like a freaking goddess.

“Aunty, can we show Shadow my room?” Glimmer exclaimed, putting their plan into action. She jumped from the couch and run off, before Casta could even say anything and they both followed her. By the time they’ve reached the room, the girl was jumping up and down on the bed and Castaspella walked over to her, trying to make her stop and she did, but just so she can send her signal.

“Now, Shadow!”

She obeyed her order and she was behind the shorter woman before she could even turn around. Her hands found themselves on her waist and Casta’s laugh echoed through the room. She wiggled in her arms, trying to escape, but instead she slipped and fell onto the bed, pulling Shadow Weaver with her.

“I win!” Glimmer screamed while she run back to the living room, leaving the two of them there. She couldn’t pull her eyes away from the brown ones, her hand went to the flushed cheeks and she wiped a string of hair that sticked to her face. She could feel Casta’s rapid breathing by the way her chest went up and down.

“I have to put Glimmer to bed.” She told her in a low voice, and she took the chance to steal a kiss, before she had to get up. It was barley a kiss, more like a peck on the lips, and she went in for another, but there was a hand on her shoulder, blocking her way.

“Later.” She nodded and moved her hand from the warmth of Casta’s face. The little winner run back in, luckily a second after she got up. She watched as Glimmer set herself in the middle of the bed, the sheets covering her small legs. Then she tapped the space to her right, motioning for her aunt to lie down. Once they were both settled, she realized she was standing there like a fool, so she walked back to the living room and a tiny voice came from behind.

“Good night, Shadow.”

As she waited for Castaspella, she couldn’t help herself but to think. She thought about how easy it was to fall into this little routine and how right it felt. Her thoughts wondered though this apartment, that was covered with all kinds of decorations and photos, each one of them screamed Casta and inside her memories laughter ranged, while the smell of freshly baked cookies made her nose tingle. This whole place was filled with so much life that combined itself with love and in the middle of it all stood Casta’s warm kiss. Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine the way her fingers would run over the silky gown. She saw those dark lips and black hair, that hid the red color of her cheeks. Her hand would hold hers and it would feel soft against her skin. She would look her in the eyes, their shine would give her enough courage and with no going back she would tell her-

“Finally.” A voice came from behind, making her eyes fly open just before Casta’s body dropped itself onto the couch with her head falling onto Shadow Weaver’s shoulder. Instinctively, she wrapped her arm around Casta’s waist pulling her closer.

“I can go if you’re tired.”

The weight of her head was gone as she lifted herself slightly to look at her. In the dark it was hard for Shadow Weaver to read her face, but she still watched as Casta leaned in. She expected a kiss, yet Castaspella stopped once their foreheads connected in addition, bumping her nose against hers. A warm breath lingered over her mouth, therefore making her eyes search for the source. Ah, those dark lips of hers, was it here or did they always look so kissable.

“God, you’re so hot.” She whispered, her fingers getting lost inside the pitch-black hair, they kept a firm grip as she pushed her forward, letting their lips crush. Casta’s moan vibrated on her mouth. Wanting to hear more of those, she deepened the kiss, her lips brushing harder against the dark ones. Her free hand explored the shorter woman through the silky fabric, that felt exactly like she thought it would. There were hands on her too, passing over her chest, down to her pants. Unzipping them, gentle fingers slid in, slowly rubbing circles. She gripped Casta’s exposed thigh at a same time that a groan left her lips. Opening her eyes, she received a soft smile from the face in front of her. Moonlight crept through the window, lighting Casta’s face, and in her eyes, she was a Sirius; the brightest star in night sky. It was fitting, wasn’t it, since she was the one who came to her mind in the darkest time, her smile the one that would scare away her shadows and her beauty had her trembling. Whilst dark lips kissed hers and those tender fingers made her hips ache, she thought back to something she read long time ago. _You cannot kiss a star without burning your lips._ Once she met Castaspella, she understood what it truly meant, she just wasn’t ready it for it, but now, now she knew. A star is worth getting burned.

“Casta, I want more…” her voice was quiet and unsure, but it was now or never.

“Well, what do you want?” she laughed at her, obviously not being on the same page as her.

“No, I mean…”, her hands captured Casta’s, “I want more than this, more than what we had before. I wan- “

“What?” The happy expression she wore before changed to pain and confusion, gentle hands slipping out of her grip as she got up, putting a distance between them. What did she do? Didn’t Casta feel something too? She must have misunderstood the signs, but…

“Casta…” her legs stepped towards her, trying to fill the space between them, yet as she stepped forward the shorter woman stepped back. Every step made her soul crumble. What did she do?

“Please, go.”

“Let me-“

“No, just go…please.” With that she turned away and walked towards her room, leaving her there, alone. Sadness mixed with anger and silent tears blurred her vision. She took her jacket, practically running outside before the water from her eyes could fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here' s the link to a song from the start of this chapter in case anyone wants to check it out,it's really beautiful, and someone left a full translation in the comments, you just have to scroll a bit to find it haha.   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpDNIHwk-D0


	10. The way we feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dream things dreamt long ago  
> That is not meant to be.  
> My fingers, necklace on your neck  
> Hungry lips are leading war  
> And it's all the harder for me to handle  
> that time is taking you away.  
> \- translated from Laku noć moja mala Barbiko by Dino Merlin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10CcXNJiDsM)

That night as she heard the front doors close a quiet sob broke through, then one more, two more, three more. Her trembling hand gripped the sheets, pulling them all the way to her chin. Tears wet her pillow and even though her eyes burned, she couldn’t stop. She just laid there drowning in her agony, crying for the times long lost, remembering the words that crushed them into ash. _I’m sorry, Casta_ … And from ashes only one thing rose… _you are enough.... just not to me_. A phoenix, burning bright red with all her anger. She was angry at Shadow Weaver for coming back, for messing with her life. She was mad at herself, for letting her in, the whole friends with benefits, what was she thinking?

Nonetheless anger always masked the real emotions, _I want more_ … Fear. _More than what we had before_. Sadness. _Just go_ … And guilt. She shouldn’t feel like this, she shouldn’t want her not after everything she did to her. Casta cried her a whole damn ocean with today’s tears only being a small drop in it. Yet it was Shadow Weaver she wanted to wipe her face, to hold her tight and whisper in her ear. That’s what her heart and body ached for, but the mind, oh, it played a different game. It screamed and cursed at her, it called her naïve then stupid. It cried with her, but it didn’t laugh with her, no, it laughed at her. At all the thoughtless decisions that she made and her awful inability to forget.

God, it hurt, to resist something, that you so badly want, but she was afraid. Perhaps Shadow Weaver truly wanted her now, but what happens when she starts going after something else, someone else. She would once again be left behind, thrown away, forgotten like a piece of garbage. And why would she want her? Why wasn’t she enough then? Why now? Too many questions, not enough answers and too many fears with too little courage. 

Usually, Shadow was the one to be rational and she the one following her feelings, now it seemed that along the way the roles have changed. The head and the heart, she remembered, each other’s biggest rivals, yet the one does not work without the other. How is she supposed to choose, when both felt as right as they did wrong?

***

Hours went by slowly, days passed and turned into weeks or rather a week and a half, if she’s to be précised. That’s how long Casta has been declining her calls, leaving her messages unnoticed. Nonetheless, everyday Shadow Weaver would try again.

_Can we talk?_

_Please, call me back._

_I really need to talk to you._

Every single time she got the same answer, nothing, and it was driving her insane. Hope would prickle her heart at just the slightest vibration of her phone, but it was never her on the other side. She couldn’t take it anymore.

_Casta, I know you are reading these, so please just answer._

_You can’t ignore me forever._

If she wanted to, she could and maybe that was why her anxiety grew with every passing minute. Sure, Castaspella wasn’t one to hold the grudge, but she was as stubborn as the next person. Once she set her mind to something, she would see it through. That made her days’ worries slip into night too, making sleep unreachable. Their last encounter played in her mind every time she would close her eyes, there was just something odd about it. Not that she expected for Casta to greet her with open arms, but to throw her out like that and completely ignore her, was out of character. Yes, she has crossed the boundaries, but never in her life has she seen her react so intensively, there was no screaming, crying or anything people usually associated when they heard something was intense. So, no, it wasn’t dramatic in that way, but how she pulled away from her, the look in her honey brown eyes, those things haunted her more than anything she could have yelled.

Her little star hid herself behind a cloud, away from her and it pained her because she was so desperate to see it. Her Casta, how nice that sounded, except she was not hers, not anymore. What made it hurt even more was the fact it was her fault. It would be so easy to blame it on someone else, something else.

“Shadow Weaver.” She turned her head quickly at the sound of her boss’s voice and saw him wave his hand. “I need you to meet someone.” Mr. Hordak continued as she walked closer. “I’m not sure if you heard of Mystacor, but they want to collab with us. So, as one of our best, I wanted you to work on this project and they’ve already send one of their own.” He always did this, tell her everything the last minute, not leaving her anytime to think, but she still managed to put on a fake smile. There’s no use in fighting with this men, last time she was placed on paperwork for 2 months.

“I’m flattered, sir.”

He led her to the meeting room, “Shadow Weaver, I want you to mee-“, and there, right across from her, stood her little star. It was so hard not to run to her, then again Casta’s face said enough. She wore a smile, but she knew better than to mistake it for a real one. Her amber eyes looked everywhere, except at her.

“We already know each other.” She said it, yet it felt like it came from someone else’s mouth.

“Well, then I’ll let Castaspella explain the rest. I must go now; work is calling.” He waved at them before disappearing, leaving her to deal with his job.

“I told you, you can’t ignore me forever.” It went as good as her tries to contact her, Casta let awkward silence rise, only her black heels clicked against the marble floor as she walked towards the desk, that stood in the middle of the room. She followed right behind, listening as Castaspella introduced her to their job.

“They want us to create a line that will include all generations and 40 percent of the sales will go to charity, Mystacor will choose one and give it 20 percent, same with The Zone.” Her voice sounded as tensed as she looked. “I already have a few sketches ready.”

A few papers were set on the shiny brown table and Shadow Weaver sat down, lifting one of the sketches of the table.

“This is good, not the style I would go with, but I can see it work.” Next to her Casta mumbled a quiet thanks as she pulled more papers out of her bag. She started to talk about all the requirements they needed to meet, but if she was to be honest she didn’t really listen, choosing to rather focus on the way the shorter woman would bit her lower lips and narrow her brows while reading. She herself didn’t talk much, not after every attempt passed by ignored and it lasted like that for full 4 days before she went nuts. The silent treatment she got was worse than anything; it made her realize that the other woman changed as much as she herself has. Not one word that left her mouth wasn’t work related, so on the fourth day, once the office emptied and as Casta was getting ready to leave she walked to the doors, locking them she took the keys and placed them in her pocket.

“What are you doing?”, an orotund voiced ranged behind her and she turned around to face it.

She walked closer until she was standing right in front her, “We aren’t leaving until you talk to me cause I’m so done with this.”, her eyes locked with the brown ones and she waited for her to say something, but she didn’t, she never did.

“Fine then, I go first. You say we can’t control the way we feel, yet after I expressed my feelings you ignored me, I’m not saying you…you need to feel the same way. You say it’s just about sex, but you let me kiss you before and after, you let me hold your hand and sleep in your bed. So, sorry for misunderstanding, but your actions contradict your words and you know it.” Her voice was not too loud, yet it still came out a bit aggressive. She needed to make her understand. Her, who just looked angrier with every word that was said, but at least it made her say something.

“You’re going to talk to me about contradiction…you told me you cared about me then you said I wasn’t good enough. You left and for six years there was no word from you, nothing. Now, you’re back and you expect me to believe that I’m somehow good enough even though I wasn’t back that. Do you hear yourself…because all I hear is a bunch of bullshit…” Casta never yelled, yet today her words ranged through the room.

“You’re right, I lied…I lied when I said you weren’t enough…I was afraid. I didn’t, couldn’t accept the truth because it would mean everything I worked for, everything I though was good was actually wrong…”, the words died out as she took a second to grab a hold of Castaspella’s hand, “You’re gentle and kind…you’re so fucking kind while I… I am a mess. Gosh, I just wanted you to have a chance to do better than me.”

“And all I wanted was you! I’m supposed to be the one to choose who I want to be with, yet you took that choice away.” Her tone was quieter than before and she didn’t even try to pull away from her grip, rather stepping closer. “You broke my heart…” A single tear fell from those amber eyes and it hit her hard in the guts, all the guilt and regret that built through the years tugged at her.

“I know, I understand if you don’t want me anymore. I won’t push anything, but know, if there’s a chance for us I won’t let go of it, not as easily as I did last time.” With her free hand she took out the keys, she hid in her pocket and pressed them against the gentle palm of the hand in her hold. “I’ll do better by you.”

Her gaze followed Casta to the big wooden doors and she watched as she stepped outside, turning only for a split second. “We have a meeting tomorrow, don’t be late again.” With that her body disappeared and finally the words that had been weighing her down for years fell. The truth was out, now, the rest was to be unfolded by destiny and time. If she’s lucky enough, maybe things will be better, maybe they will be what she wanted them to be, what they’ve should have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally random, but i didn't even know i liked writing so much until i started this. Also i really want to rewatch She ra and i've finished it less than 2 months ago.


	11. All she could really feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.

From then on, the days did start to get better, though not in the way she truly wanted, but still the change was good. The vow of silence was broken and Casta was slowly beginning to act like her old bubbly self. Shadow Weaver noticed, that unlike the first few days, she was more relaxed in her company, they both were.

Sometimes they would get so carried away that they would not even see how the moon exchanged the sun and the emptiness of the office that stood outside. Other times they did the same intentionally, and sweet giggles would fill her ears just as the awful takeout food filled her empty stomach. Their meals would turn into empty bags as quickly as they came and laughter would be replaced by yawns, that promised sweet dreams and soon enough her back would hit the soft mattress.

Patiently, she would await for their next meeting, the one only hours away. On most of the nights her tiredness would sweep her away as quickly as it would a child. While on others, she would toss and turn in her bed, unable to get those midnight painted lips out of her head. From time to time it would become almost torturous to sit close to her and she would let her imagination do the tricks. On those days she could barely wait to get home. Dropping on the couch, with her hand inside her pants, she would let Casta roam her mind. Every now and then she wondered if the other woman touched herself while her name passed over her lips. It didn’t really matter if she did or did not because either way the thought would make her legs shake and her eyes roll with bittersweet pleasure. 

All of this made her surprised when Casta showed up late, no coffee cups in her hand and no smile on her face. She watched as she sat in a chair opposite of her before she aggressively struggled to take out all the documents out of her bag.

“Wow, who made you angry?” Shadow Weaver couldn’t help, but to chuckle at the unusual sight.

“It’s nothing.” Her voice was flat, and it missed her typical tone and carelessness. _Did I do something?_ Well, she couldn’t recall anything out of place happening yesterday or the day before that.

“It doesn’t really look like nothing.”

She eyed her as she set the last piece of paper on the table with a loud sigh. Her back hit the chair and she was sure as hell she wouldn’t get an answer.

“I got stood up.” It was said quietly, and she thought she might have imagined it, but the redness of Casta’s cheeks said otherwise. _She planned a date?_ In green, her heart was painted by jealousy and under the table she closed her fist as to try and focus on what the other woman was saying.

“…obviously I told Mara these blind dates are not going well, and she said I’m not trying hard enough and then Micah was like yeah, Casta you aren’t trying.” Her hands went up and down as she mimicked her brother’s words with clear annoyance in her voice.

“So, I went for them and I stood there like a fool for almost two hours and to make things worse my car broke down and I had to walk to work and-“ She stopped once her eyes made hers, the angry expression she wore turned into a one she couldn’t quite comprehend. Was it surprise? Regret? Maybe it was a mix of both and more. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be bothering you with this.”

“It’s okay…”, but it wasn’t. “I was just wondering what fool would stand you up.” She let her lips curve into a smile and even though her words were truthful she still felt like she was making a grimace.

“You’d be surprised.” Casta’s cheeks burned with a darker shade of red, but her voice sounded lighter and it made her unclench her fist.

“Why’s Mara even setting you up?” _Won’t you even give me a chance?”_

“She imagined she’s a great matchmaker just because it worked for one person.” That got a chuckle out of both of them and the atmosphere of the room started to lose some of its tension, yet the one inside of her was still bothered by the fact that Castaspella saw other people.

Perhaps, they weren’t meant to be, a star and a rose. Both beautiful to the eye, yet to the touch, one burned with its heat and the other prickled with its thorns. One stood high in the sky as the other came deep from the earth. The rose needed the Sun to live, she didn’t need a star, but still she wanted her with all its shine and warmth.

***

Today went by slowly, she wasn’t sure if it was the job or her bad mood, but she couldn’t wait to go home. They have a free day tomorrow which means tonight she’s so going to drink away her feelings and eat Asian food, until it makes her miss home, the one she hasn’t visited in so long. She didn’t know why, but sometimes her anger brought nostalgia, for old friends, love, a childhood in a country left behind. Casta didn’t want to come to an empty home, she didn’t want to be alone. Her eyes traveled to the woman across from her, wavy hair covered the sides of her face as she looked down.

She hadn’t told anyone about what happened in the last few months, not even Mara or her brother. She knew what they would say and maybe she would agree with their criticisms, but they didn’t understand. They didn’t know how poisonous her touch was, how addictive you get to it. They didn’t hear the words she said to her, right in this room, not even a month ago. They will never know the way her heart longed and how her fears pulled her back. As much as she loved them, she knew to them her feelings were a mystery. And she couldn’t blame them, not when they were a mystery to her too, not when she knew they would just try to look out for her. Maybe they would be right to do so, but still she missed her touch more than she was afraid and she really didn’t want to be alone, not today.

“Umm…I’m making Asian food today and I-“, why did her voice stutter every time those green eyes found her, “I wondered if you wanted to come?”

“Well, you do make really good Asian food.”

“So, it’s a yes then?”

She received a smile, before the other woman returned to whatever she was doing, her hair once again hiding her eyes and Casta was glad because she couldn’t hide the odd, but familiar feeling that took over her.

As time passed, she started to feel a new kind of confidence, maybe it was a glass of wine she glurped or the domestic vibe she was getting from this. She couldn’t place it, but nonetheless when they switched to the couch, she let herself sit closer to the taller woman. Their arms touched and all she could think of is how it’s been over a month since she felt those hands on her, she missed it. Maybe that’s why she pulled her skirt slightly up before she set down, but even if Shadow Weaver noticed she didn’t say or show it. That made Casta frustrated and she cursed herself for acting like a horny, attention seeking teenager, but she was just so desperate. If she wasn’t such a coward, she would have already replaced her wine, with those red lips and she would have-

“I almost forgot how good your cooking was.” Her eyes went from the green ones to the red lips that gave pleasing compliments and even more pleasurable kisses., but she couldn’t look at them for too long, scared of what she might do, she looked up again. It seemed to her that emerald gems read her mind because there was a soft feeling on her face and rather than fighting it, she let her eyes shut as she leaned into it. _Oh, why don’t you kiss me already?_

As suddenly as it came, the soft touch disappeared. “I think it’s time for me to go.” Her eyes flew open as if she was awakened from a nightmare and her hand griped the one that felt so warm on her skin.

“Please, don’t…”, she hated how weak and unsure her voice sounded, she hated how desperate she must have looked, but yet again she continued. “I…I don’t want to be alone.” _Stay, just tonight, just one more time._ No matter how much she wanted to say it, she couldn’t. It was a lie, deep down she knew that, and Shadow did too. Nothing was ever just one time with them, they will both keep coming for more, even if in this moment they’ve chose to stop, it was too late. From the moment, she stepped inside that restaurant, it was late, destiny had glued them back together. She tried to pull away, to hid, but somehow, she always ended up in the same situation.

She wasn’t sure who crushed whose lips, all she knew was that she kissed with everything inside of her. She needed this, she needed her. Grabbing Shadow Weaver’s collar, she tried to pull her closer and the strong arms on her back did the same. The kiss itself was a mess, black and red stains painted her lips, skin above and under them, then half of her right cheeks. Both of them tried to take as much as they could, savoring the taste of cheap wine mixed with sticky lipsticks. 

In the heat of the moment she pulled the collar in her arms harder, which caused her back to hit the soft couch and the full weight of the taller woman pressed against her body. That hand that rested on her back slowly moved down her waist, over her hip and under her skirt.

The kiss broke as red lips lightly bit her ear, before they whispered, “Do you know how fucking hard it is to resist you when you wear these?” She felt a grip on her thigh harden and a warm breath collided with the tender skin behind her hear, sending shivers down her body just as green eyes looked down at her.

She shook her head no because no word could leave the tightness of her throat, not when she stared at her with so much affection and lust.

“Well, my little star…”, another hand found its way to her face, tucking away some of the hairs that fell from her bun, but all she could really feel was that nickname striking her heart. It left an odd, surprising impression, yet she couldn’t linger on it for long since Shadow continued. “it’s very, very hard.”

Before she could even open her mouth to answer, long finger passed over her underwear, making her hips ache forward as if they could hold on to it, but the feeling was already too far. By the way Shadow Weaver smirked at her inability to stop the whimper that escaped her mouth, she knew she was in a teasing mood.

“Don’t you dare tease me.”

“Or what?” A cheeky smiled appeared on Shadow’s face.

“um, I-“, and suddenly before she could even finish her sentence a same sensation she felt moments ago recurred, causing her to bit her lower lips so that this time she wouldn’t give the other woman satisfaction she wanted.

“I’m sorry did you say something?”

“Yes, I wa-“ Again, the same thing accrued and Casta wrapped her arms around Shadow Weaver’s neck, trying to pull her closer, but it didn’t work. “Damn you.”

“What? You know I can’t help myself when you’re such a mess for me.”

She was about to protest, but those red lips found hers and pulled her into a kiss. This one was, unlike the others, much slower, yet deeper and more passionate. Instinctively, her hand went up Shadow Weaver’s neck and her fingers tangled with black waves. Somewhere along that kiss, long fingers finally found their way inside her underwear, giving her what she yearned for. They’ve worked quickly and it didn’t take long for Casta to slip over the edge, her groans mumbled by the lips pressed against her.

Even when they were done, Shadow still stayed on top of her, lowering her head onto her chest and her hand over Castaspella’s waist. She too, let herself fully enjoy this domestic like moment by letting her finger move through raven curls. Laying down like this, she felt small and vulnerable, but then the weight of the taller woman would bring warmth and protectiveness. She didn’t know or rather she forgot how many good feelings she could awake in her with just a simple touch. What surprised her even more was the way she eased in, forgetting about yesterday’s events.

“I don’t think you realize how much I want you.” Shadow lifted her head as she spoke, her green eyes looked down at her. “I know it’s selfish, but…I want you to be mine, I want to hear you say you never loved anyone like you loved me, that you never kissed anyone like you kissed me and that you never let anyone touch you the way that I do…but more than anything I want you to let me fix this.”

She loved other people and she kissed other people and she let other people touch her, but they all missed something. None of them were her, yet “What if you can’t?”

“We’ll never know if we never try.” With that she lowered her head back where it was. All conversation stopped there as they both took comfort in each other’s warmth rather than dwell on the fear of unknown.

Once she felt the other woman drift off, Casta carefully untangled their bodies. She threw the softest blanket she found over her before walking away. In her mind a thought of giving Shadow another chance grew more and more realistic. _We’ll never know if we never try,_ she repeated it to herself just before her head hit the cloudy pillow and behind her closed eyes she could truly see a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm contemplating if i want to end this story here with an open ending or if I'm going to write more if it. I hate when i have to choose between something...


	12. I feel like everything is the way it should be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after reading your comments i couldn't leave it at that so here you go one last chapter, before im off to work on another fanfiction because i can't get enough of these two.  
> Fun fact in case you haven't noticed:each chapter has one of these words in the title: feel, felt, feelings

They were sitting around the big wooden table in Micah’s apartment, it was the only one big enough to fit them all. No one wanted to miss a chance on congratulating little Glimmer, who at 18 definitely wasn’t little anymore, for getting into one of the top collages in America.

“So, will we hear that famous essay that got you in?” Micah pushed for the fifth time, his eyes full of pride and joy.

“Fine.” The girl sighed as she took a paper out of her bag, she looked at her for a second and she thought there was a glimpse of worry in her eyes. “We were supposed to write about family.”

Everyone grew quiet, impenitently waiting to hear what she’ll read.

“The first thing people usually associate the word family to is parents, those people that brought you into your first home, changed your diapers and sang you to sleep. Sometimes they will bring siblings or grandparents into this picture, but I have decided to rather talk about someone who changed my family. The person that taught us about mistakes and true love.

I still remember our first meeting, back then I didn’t really know what she’ll mean to me, yet at a very young age this stranger had won me over in just a few minutes and everyone who knows me can tell you I don’t like meeting new people nor am I good at letting them inside my life. So, how did this person manage to do what she did? Well, it’s a very funny story, but I can’t say more now because I do not yet wish to reveal who she is and I know for a fact that I will be reading this letter in front of my whole family. Every one of them hoping to hear their name in it, to see how they’ve impacted me. Everyone, except her. She’s like that, doesn’t see how much people love her and what she means to them. That’s why she hasn’t been a part of my life from the very start, yet love bought her and me together, love for someone else.

You see, she made a big mistake, and it took her many years to just realize why it was a mistake and then a few more to make it right. I was born one year after this mistake, I never even knew of this until I was ten and when I first found out I was very angry, more at my family for not telling me rather than at the mistake. I knew they didn’t tell me because they thought it was better for me, but you don’t learn from lies, you learn from the truth. And what I learned from the truth was that you must fight for what you love, even if it means going against your wants, I learned that family doesn’t always mean you have to share the same blood. Family is built on understanding, trust, love and forgiveness.

Let’s go back to the beginning of this essay and I’ll tell you how a stranger became a friend, and that friend became my aunt. This stranger offered me my first taste of victory; with her help I was able to beat my aunty Casta in our tickling wars that occurred every time I would visit. You might be slightly confused now; a stranger became an aunt by helping me beat another aunt in childish games. So, let me explain aunty is my dad’s sister, she’s my aunt by blood, but I have another aunt, by blood were nothing, yet this essay is about her. The first time I saw this person as my aunt was on another one of my visits by now, I was 7 and I had known her for 2 years. In those two years she had moved in with my aunty Casta and I saw her more and more often. On this particular visit I witnessed their fight, if I’m being honest I don’t know what it was about, all I remember is the way she hugged my aunty telling her she loved her and that nothing can ever come between two people that love each other. Year and a half later, I was throwing rose pedals at their wedding and each time I would look at her all I saw was her love for my aunty.

Not only is this my application letter it is also a thank you letter to my aunt Shadow Weaver. Thank you for always taking care of aunty Casta, thank you for teaching me about love and second chances. I don’t care that we aren’t related or that you came into my life later than anyone else in this family, you are my aunt as much as Casta is and I am forever grateful that you are a part of my life.”

Tears started to fall down her face as last word left Glimmer’s mouth, under the table Casta gripped her hand. From her amber eyes, tears fell too, but she had to let her hand go.

She walked around the table and pulled the young girl into a hug. “I love you too.” She whispered as she pulled away, her hand messing the short purple hair.

That night when they collapsed onto the bed, she pulled Casta closer and kissed her dark lips, before they’ve started to comment on today’s events.

“Can you believe what Glimmer wrote?” She was still in disbelief, but the happiness she felt was unmatchable.

“Of course, everyone knows how much she adores you.” Casta said as she wrapped her arm around her waist. “it’s like asking if I love you.”

“Well, do you?”

“Stop. Asking. Stupid. Questions.” Dark lips placed a kiss onto hers in between each word.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

She shut her eyes, letting the familiar vanilla scent soothe her. No matter how many years passed, it still felt unbelievable that she had all this. If someone told her that her favorite thing will be holding her wife before she drift off to sleep, she would have laughed to their face. Now, she couldn’t imagine her life without this as simple as it could get, she wouldn’t change it for anything. Not only did she had Casta, she had a niece, family and friends. All she thought she’ll never have, never deserve, was hers. She fought for it and at the end of the day she got to come home and enjoy it.

“What’s on your mind?” The other woman shifted under her, making her look down.

“Just realizing why you always loved reunions.”

Casta smiled at her as she raised her eyebrows waiting for an answer and Shadow took her hand and placed it on her chest, right over her heart. The heart that loved only one little star like it was the whole universe. “It’s this odd feeling, but odd in a good way. I feel like everything is the way it should be.” 

“Me too…”

Glimmer was right, everything always circles back to love. It’s what makes people do stupid things, yet it’s the purest feeling inside of them. Love is family, current lovers and ones long forgotten, it’s friends, your favorite meal and first pet. You can find it everywhere, sometimes it’s in a hug or a kiss, while in other times it’s unseen to the eye, felt only by heart. These feeling she felt while she held her wife, they were love.

Casta herself is love and love itself is life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who left kudos/comments they were very appreciated. i hope you enjoyed this as much as i have. and people please write more of these two, im begging you.


End file.
